How can I sleep?

How can I sleep? How can I close my eyes and not see the face of a 14-year-old boy who was bullied into suicide? How can I rest my head knowing that we deemed it appropriate to take the life of an innocent man? Where is the church? Why are so many “Christians” spewing hate instead of embracing with the universe-mending love of Christ?
I’m wondering, what’s the point? What’s the point in following Jesus? What’s the point in trusting God? So many claims of new life and relentless love and less pain. But I don’t feel any less sad. Some things continue to break my heart. No matter how much I pray and process and worship and give thanks to God, I’m still really sad sometimes. It still really hurts. I still wonder if God really has a plan for me. If Jesus really cares about my heart. What does eternal life mean anyway? And what good does that promise do for my pain right here, right now? So I’ll never be alone, that’s what you say. But I don’t feel alone. I feel sad. Just because there are others here with me, and supposedly God’s here with me, how does that change my pain? It’s still MY hurt. I try to give it up to God, but I still feel it all over me.

Even with all of my questions, I still feel God’s presence. I still believe. But I don’t understand why. Why am I believing when I still hurt? And why do people claim that God takes away hurt and suffering? Have they seen the statistics on child sex slavery and poverty and abuse? Have they seen the number of young people who are so broken that they take their own lives? Hurt and pain run rampant. People celebrate this idea of a personal relationship with Christ, like it fixes sadness, like it transforms the hurt. But I have one of those personal relationships. God and I talk on a daily basis. And I still hurt deep down in the depths of who I am, espcially when I am faced with the misguided hatred of a messed-up world. And particularly when I see the damage that the church and “Christians” have done through self-rightoues claims that are filled with fear and hatred instead of love.

So what’s the point? Is it to learn how to love others? To live as a breathing sacrifice? To bring peace and joy and comfort to God’s creation? Is my faith in God helping me to transform this world? Is God using me to heal brokenness? I don’t think I can answer that question. Sometimes the shattered state of humanity seems like too big of a gash to heal. It’s overwhelming. I’m not sure if my functioning has changed since I made a conscious choice to follow Jesus. I’m not sure if I’m doing any more good now than I was before. I can’t tell if I am loving any better. I surely see plenty who claim God and yet do not love at all.

Where is the church? How can I sleep?

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