Human hearts are finite. Each day runs out of time.
I just can’t handle when relationships change. You grow close to someone. You support them. They support you. You spend your happy times together and you share the sad ones. But it never stays that way. New people come. Old people leave. Obstacles arise. And relationships change.
I don’t know why I hate this so much. Sometimes change is good. But I want stability. I want to feel important enough, always. Needed.
I think you can only be in legitimate, vulnerable, intimate, life-changing relationship with a few people at once. Because human hearts are finite. Each day runs out of time.
So, I know that God sustains me. He is stability. I do not question that. But God doesn’t stay up late watching movies with me. God doesn’t fix me dinner. God doesn’t have spontaneous dance parties in my living room. God doesn’t sleep next to me when I need my confidence batteries recharged or fill my car with balloons on my birthday. I can’t help fix God when He is broken. I can’t administer first aid to Him when he drinks too much and shatters a glass on the dance floor. I can’t convince Him that jumping over couches really is a good idea. I can’t punch him when I’m angry or hold His hand when I just can’t breathe.
I feel like a big hypocrite when I tell people that God’s embrace upholds. Because it does. But I want these human things. And I pray for patience. And pray for peace. And pray for understanding. But still relationships change. And my heart hurts.
And it happens so much that I can’t be in relationship anymore without being scared. Without holding back. Without bracing for impact. I want consistency.
Where do I meet God in this? How can I feel consumed and lifted by His love and yet so scared to endure this pain of change? Because that’s how I feel. Consumed and scared.